Category: Crime

LAPD Brings a Ray of Sunshine to Sunset Blvd

I’m all for catching killers.  In my private fantasy life I have served for decades as a police detective and put literally hundreds of murderers behind bars.  And I’m all for giving these manhunts whatever attention we can to help them bring violent criminals to justice.

However.  Did no one at the LAPD stop and question whether this was such a wonderful idea?  There can’t be more than say, 40 million children driving down Sunset Blvd every week.  And what could make them feel more safe and protected in their community than looking out their bus windows at a nice electronic billboard and seeing a picture of a child, just like themselves, saying “Help find my murderer!”  Really, what could be more special?

As I say, we should do everything we can to help those who keep us safe catch the dangerous villains, but holy cow, can we maybe wait until the kids go to sleep?


Another surreal crime dispatch from Santa Monica (courtesy of the venerable SM Mirror), where even domestic abuse cases have an eco-friendly tint:

” Santa Monica police arrested a plant-wielding homeless man on Aug. 23 after he threw a plant stem at his girlfriend.

This attack with a piece of vegetation was the result of an escalated verbal argument. The plant stem impacted her shoulder causing slight redness.

Our sympathies to the abuse victim (hitting a woman, even with vegetation, is the last refuge of cowardly bullies and is never a laughing matter), and also to the poor departed plant: may your seedlings go forth and multiply and make Santa Monica beautiful once again.

Muggers Join the Ranks of the So Cal Underpaid

What is it coming to when you can’t even make a decent living robbing people at knifepoint around here?  In a tale that can only be described as the dead canary at the bottom of the imploded mine shaft comes this tale of a hard working Fontana based mugger, who despite showing up to rob two separate people at knifepoint on the Fontana streets, netted a grand total of $2.  Before taxes. (Which comes to after federal, state, sales tax, vehicle fees, rent surcharges etc, comes to 36 cents for a full day of work.)

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County Jails More Corrupt Than You Can Imagine

The LA County Citizens Commission on Jail Violence has been going on, with Sheriff Baca and Undersherriff (kind of a degrading title) Tanaka saying all sorts of ridiculous things.

But as a story by Robert Faturechi in today’s LA Times reveals, jail deputies aren’t just abusive maniacs– they’re also incredibly corrupt! We’re talking rampart-level corruption here.

The story reads like something out of The Departed: “an elite intelligence team” working within the jail system learns that a deputy is smuggling drugs for skinhead inmates. The investigators tell their boss, Lt. Greg Thompson… who then tells the drug-smuggling deputy, revealing both the names of the intelligence team and the names of the secret jailhouse informants.

This is no isolated incident either:

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FBI Resorts to Teenage Girl Tactics to Catch Local Bank Robber

While our streets may be crumbling, our economy taking a page out of Chernobyl’s playbook, our schools turned into shooting galleries and our local industry pouring out toxic sludge on the world, we still have one thing that every single citizen of Los Angeles can take pride in: each and every one of us is better looking, much better looking,  than any other American who lives here.

The people who flee California are greeted in the states they emigrate to as gods and goddess descended from the heavens, their hotness studied and cataloged in local news organs and universities.   If you live in Los Angeles, you never have to wonder if you are hot or not, because if you weren’t, we would have asked you to leave by now.

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